Something new for Video Production Tips readers:
My alter ego, Abigail Crabby, southern patriot, left this perfumed love note on the toilet seat for me to find. She wants to share it with readers of Video Production Tips.
Grandma wrote her impassioned plea while dusting off her rabbit ear antenna and replacing them with her brand spanking new digital video converter box.
I feel like our passion was consummated tonight. I must now break free from my silence and contact you, even at the risk of sounding foolish.
I adore you darling.
It’s been going on for years now.
You, of course, do not know me from the dirt on your shoe.
I never approached you because, well… I am out of your age demographic.
More importantly, I simply don’t think we can get past this you’re-in-the-electronic -glass-box-and-I’m-not, kind of relationship issue.
But tonight cemented my love…till death so us part.
I know I am not good enough for you. Worse, I can only worship you from afar.
When I first met you, ripping MSNBC’s Tucker Carlson a new one in an online video clip, my cynical heart was immediately smitten. Who was this gorgeous youngster obliterating my arch enemy, corporate TV news media?
Oh darling, there you were, masterfully destroying the psychopathic fiend Granny has fought tooth and nail for years. At the moment, he appeared to you as annoyingly nerdy, narcissistic, pseudo-intellectual Tucker Carlson.
Please note darling, that I have long known this insidious beast by other names and incarnations. Blast it! I have never been able to quash him, but I longed to.
Darling, I commend your masterful dominance! With Tucker’s ass staring at him from a silver plate, I oozed and awed. Jealous and grateful at the same time, a powerful mixture.
After being swept off my feet by this illustrious introduction, I began watching you on the boobie tube regularly. Night after night, my passion grew.
Your phenomenal wit and continued deft dominance tickled me as none I have ever known. Couple that with your sweet, gracious, giggly, self-deprecating nature and soon, I was addicted to you, my buttercup.
Last night, watching you battle the incarnation known as Jim Cramer, Granny swooned. You nailed the beast to a stake right through its treacherous heart.
Entertainment designed as news, sucking at the teat of the money trough, Mamma Beast corporate boss.
Destroying the very fabric of who we are by perpetuating nonsense as truth.
Granny’s knight in shinning armor has finally arrived! No one but you and I seem to give a shit! Repeatedly watching the video online of you banging the beast has given granny the ultimate drenching in righteous truth and joyous pleasure.
Pity Mr. Cramer, an unfortunate manifestation of the beast to be forced to tangle with you directly. I actually must commend him on his total sheepishness and unapologetic stance. He took his beating rather well.
Darling, you deserve the Balls-as-Big-as-Jupiter Award.
But the battle is not over.
Do it again! Harder, harder!
Don’t ever stop.
The beast must have its mask ripped off so as to expose his true nature to the world. Granny can not do it alone. You are bigger, strong, and braver. You have an audience over 200 while I, sadly, do not.
Thank you for successfully conducting the pinnacle of put downs, the D-Day of Dishings, the epitome of enemas.
The beast is but a whimper and the people now know. Thanks to you, Jon Stewart.
Forever in love,
Grandma Abagail Crabby